When I was 24, I went through my lowest moments in life after leaving something that I thought God had called me to do my entire life. In the seven months that followed that incident, I went through what was my version of “dark night of the soul.” I was unable to sleep (which was debilitating as someone who was working night shifts at the time), eat, or smile. I clung onto God, christian podcasts, and my Bible Reading Plan with the hopes that I would recover triumphantly like Moses, Nehemiah, and Esther quickly. I grew up listening to messages in church claiming victory in trials and only knew of a God who showed up when His children called His name. You can only imagine my dismay when I learned that my season would look a lot more like Job than like Moses. I prayed, read the Bible, and only took in Christian content for months only to wake up with night terrors, panic attacks upon waking up, and a deep depression (that would only go away when I saw my niece and nephew every couple of months). Every day was a battle in my mind about how worthless I am in comparison to the successful people around me who seem to have no struggles. There was a constant lie in my head about how lazy I was for leaving this specific thing I had planned on doing. I felt like a failure and that I had ruined God’s plan for my life.  This is one of the moments where no family member or friend in your life will be able to save you but God. But when you can’t feel, see, or hear God, you feel as if there is no point forward. Sometimes I still have the thoughts but I had done the hard work in these last seven months to replace it with the truth. The truth being that God is there in your suffering and when the silence is the loudest, is when God is doing the most amount of pruning, molding, and purifying in you. You may think you have screwed up for life forever, but the truth is you are just not powerful enough to do that. The sovereign God who created the heavens and earth had accounted for this moment in your life when He created your purpose and plan. He did not give you a purpose despite that decision. He orchestrated that decision to get you on the path He has called you to be on.  The person I was seven months ago is not the person I am now and I thank God for that. Below are two of the main resources that were the most amount of comfort in the valley. There are other resources at the bottom to help if you want devotionals, other books, or podcasts.

Chronological Bible Reading Plan 

In the midst of my trial, I was also in the middle of my Bible Reading Plan that some church friends and I decided to start at the start of the year. We all grew up in Christian households meaning we had read the Bible in bits and pieces our whole life. I had assumed I read the Bible fully through the years of church and quiet time. After starting this plan, I realized that I had read my favorite passages dozens of times while never once actually reading through the Bible genealogies and all.  Every day as I read through the readings for the day, my list of questions for God grew longer and longer. I was annoyed at my lack of comprehension and understanding until my Pastor gave me some good advice. He told me to stop trying to understand every detail and to just read it. At the end of the year, I was glad I took that advice because the Bible is a detailed book of stories, parables, and wisdom that will take you lifetimes to comprehend. It is intricate, complex, and the most wonderful love letter you will ever be given. But, it is also overwhelmingly simple. God gave up His son to die for us so that we would not have to live apart from Him for eternity even though that is what we deserve. That alone tears down every fear and brings light into the darkest thought.

Consider The Lillies

Jonny Ardavantis’s book Consider the Lillies goes through the attributes of God and sheds a completely new light on anxiety in a believer’s life. Most christian books on anxiety and depression focus on the reader’s ability to take their thoughts captive, memorize scripture, and guard their mind. These are all wonderful practices for a believer who is not going through an immensely painful season of their life. During those seasons, if a believer is not established or strong in their faith, this may feel impossible and fruitless. Instead, Jonny calls us to do all of these things after we have a right view of the attributes of God. This shifts the focus from actions of inconsistent humans to the truth about a God who never changes. While we cannot put our trust in ourselves to get us up and out of the Pitt, we can trust in our God who is holy, powerful, and victorious. Shifting that view from our lives to our God creates a hope and peace that cannot be shaken by sickness, poverty, or trials. Shifting that view means the small anxieties or deep depressions cannot have a lasting effect on our life because we serve a God who is sovereign and omniscient over every moment.

“If Jesus expresses loving concern for the smallest of our troubles, certainly in His role as the perfect sufferer He cares for our greatest traumas.” – John MacArthur

I had called on His name thousands upon thousands of times in that seven months period and felt like I heard nothing in response.  My encouragement to you is to keep calling on His name because eventually He will come through and when He does, your life will never be the same. You will have the same pains and struggles but you will have a newfound strength that can only come from the Holy Spirit working within you. A strength to praise when you can barely breathe. A strength to hope when you don’t know how to get through tomorrow. A strength to rejoice in the midst of your suffering. Meditate on Hebrews 12: 1-2, “Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every hindrance and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us keeping our eye on Jesus, the pioneer and perfector of our faith.” And when you want to give up on this race because you think your suffering is too great to bear, remember the next verse, “ For the joy that lay before him, he endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” He endured the cross so that you would have the power to endure the cross He has called you to bear on this earth. So, keep calling on the name that knew your name before He formed the earth. Consider Him, for He knew your name before you were in your mother’s womb and kept that name in mind when He died on the cross. Consider Him, the author and the finisher.

Additional Resources

Chronological Bible: https://amzn.to/3NMlRfR

Consider the Lillies: https://amzn.to/4sYExsY

Girls Gone Bible Devotional: https://amzn.to/4r0Kdl3

The Hidden Peace: https://amzn.to/4bZXrcK

The Bible Recap: https://amzn.to/49F0cyQ

Hosanna Revival Bible: https://amzn.to/4qDZJCV

Found: God’s Will: https://amzn.to/4qbFs6Y